Hey Buddy, you OK in there? Wars Over.

Well there you have it. Wars over. Listened to the speech in the car on the way home. It was raining, traffic was kind of heavy on the free way. I actually started to tear up. sort of... Well who cares. I wont remember the day the war ended, Ill always remember the days I was there. Forever. We are part of this fraternal brother / sisterhood now. War vets. The details don't matter, our stories wont matter, you get the dam hat at the little store on the way out of the VA clinic where you just picked up your meds, It will be black and say OEF / OIF with some gold wings, maybe pin your unit crest to it or a CIB some day, light up a smoke, and fade away. Cause that's what vets do. Fade away. We are not needed anymore. America's embarrassing little secret. Tools, tools for a job and now to be put away in the tool shed.

"Well Mr Mike, I know you have complained about something similar to attention deficit disorder, and the headaches you have are getting worse, and you keep telling me about these dreams and sleepless nights... come now, don't you think its time to stop pretending and dwelling on the war? you see.. its over. You really don't have these things... err issue's... do you. Now, lets try not to drink so much, quit smoking, get a little exercise, and why don't you come see me next year.  Good luck now. There you go, have a nice life."

I once had a flashback in the bathroom of a place where I worked. No shit. Right there in the bathroom stall. I was at my desk, doing what IT geeks do, and I thought I smelled burning garbage, ever, so slightly. You know, the kind that burned in Baghdad all year long. The huge mounds of it that never went out. The crap that hung in the early morning air like, well.. like smog... Sniff sniff. Where is that coming from? I looked around my cube farm. Geeks doing what geeks do and no burning candles or the like. We weren't allowed to have candles anyway. Then... the phone rang, but there wasn't a person on the other end it was a radio transmission.
     Echo one four, Echo one four, do you read over? Static, then nothing. I put the phone down.

What? What the hell? Then could hear it. Like it was right behind the wall from me, The "SMACK", "ZIP", "PING", of rounds impacting a wall. I looked around. My coworkers still sitting there, looking at their computer monitors, listening to ipods and talking on the phone. HMMWV engines, cars passing,  I'm insane, I'm going mad, that's it, something finally snapped and I'm going nuts. "pop", "pop", "pop", AK fire off in the distance, Then the ringing in my ears started, the smell of diesel, hot asphalt, and sweat in my nose, my vision was starting to tunnel, I got up, headed straight for the bathroom. Out into the hall way I passed a few people but either they dint notice or weren't paying attention, The tunnel was closing and the noise in my ears getting louder, I pushed open the bathroom door and slipped into the first stall and sat down... Tried to take a deep breath, I'm scared, this is real, oh shit... no one said it was going to be like this... "WHACK", "WHACK", "WHACK", impacts on the armor of the HMMWV,  Then heard someone yell "RPG" over the roar of a HMMWV engine. Tunnel closed. One loud "CRACK"...

That's it. Silence in a bathroom stall. In the middle of a huge office building. I'm sweating, breathing heavy, my hand hurts, sitting on a freaking toilet. Dam. I think I punched the stall door. Bathroom door opens, footsteps, someone is coming into the bathroom.

"Hey you alright in there?" A pair of shoes, right next to the stall now.

You remember when you were a kid? and once in awhile you wake up from a deep sleep and your just not quite sure where you are? Yeah, for a split second, that was me.

"Hey buddy, you OK?"

"Umm, yeah, Yeah, I'm fine. Sorry." Hit the handle on the toilet. Flush to provide a distraction.

"What are you yelling about?" All I could see where this guys shoes, and part of his slacks pants, from under the stall door. Black leather shoes, and  khaki tan slacks. Middle management I guess. Didn't recognize the voice either. There were hundreds of people in this part of the building and I picked the closest bathroom from my department, unfortunately it was in the main hall way.

"Umm on the phone, sorry." I lied. I was still sweating, and not just perspiration, I was sweating like right before you throw up, kind of sweating. It was late summer, but the airconditioning in the building made the air temp comfortable.

"Phone? You get signal in here. Well take it outside next time." The shoes walked away to the door. I thought I heard some grumbling about "What the heck was that all about? ", "That was weird" or something like "Said he was on the phone" or something like that as the door closed. I don't know how long I was out, even if it was a split second.

I waited in that stall until the coast was clear. Went to the sink and and splashed cold water on my face. Noticed I had sweat stains under my arms showing through my button up. The shirt was white and not to noticeable. I quickly cleaned and adjusted my hair a bit and headed back to my cube hoping not to be noticed.

I slid into my chair, and for the next 3 hours until quiting time, I prayed I didn't see those shoes in my department. I didn't.

I was fired 3 weeks later. "At will" employment state. Didn't get a reason, just a "we don't need you anymore" and the HR rep said "We don't need a reason".

I watched for those freaking shoes for 3 weeks until I was called into HR. I even looked to see if the moron who was firing me was wearing those God dammed shoes!

No worries, I found another job, but Ill never know, who wore those freaking shoes... and what did they hear? I don't remember and I guess that is question I want answered. That episode was for me, no one else, and Ill never know what happened. I kind of feel cheated.

So, what the hell does that have to do with the war ending Mr Mike? Huh? Well... nothing I guess. However, I will go through the rest of my life looking at shoes, metaphorically speaking, and these wars will end and I will still search. You see, the war isn't over, not for us.

Mike

My Twitter Debut!!!

Hello all. Want to say thanks to all of the 393 twitter followers that I picked up in the last 24 hrs. Awesome, just awesome. Just makes me believe that there are Soldiers, Sailors, Airmen and Marines, families, friends and loved ones out there that care, about us and the brothers and sisters still out there. I want the message to be sent loud and clear that YOU ARE NOT ALONE! Lets help each other deal with the IED's of life. Be it PTSD, Mild TBI, TBI, depression, and all the other stuff that we have to deal with when we returned home, and continue to deal with. Welcome to my roadside life, walk with me for awhile and lets see what we can do together.

Thanks,
Mike

Give me an order of PTSD and a side of Mild TBI to go, please.

Definition for Mild TBI (traumatic brain injury) A traumatic brain injury (TBI) can be classified as mild if loss of consciousness and/or confusion and disorientation is shorter than 30 minutes. While MRI and CAT scans are often normal, the individual has cognitive problems such as headache, difficulty thinking, memory problems, attention deficits, mood swings and frustration. These injuries are commonly overlooked. Even though this type of TBI is called "mild", the effect on the family and the injured person can be devastating.


Hello again from My roadside life. No major IED's of life this week other than the normal day to day. Here is an interesting little bit of news I just found while surfing the web. So how many of us have suffered from this? I wonder what the VA's take is on this. Its been my experience that some have been treated, while others have not. I have reported mild to severe headaches since my deployment and the most its got me was to a VA doctor ordering me to "Drink more water and take a few aspirin..." "Its all in your head, get some sleep and your head aches will go away".
I haven't slept a full night in 5 years without the help of a few drinks. Thanks for the advice Jack. Ok, so we know that we all experienced a blast from one type or another, but how do we know if we have this Mild TBI? I'm not a doctor, nor do I claim to be one on TV, however, I would suggest this...
Not sleeping a full night? Haven't for a long time? (This is outside the regular PTSD symptoms you may suffer from) Have short term memory loss? Every now and then you "Catch yourself" being off balance for a split second? (Mine always happens to the right I'm broken what can I say!) Frequent head aches? Mild or Severe? If you have any of these go to the VA and get evaluated. If you were hit (or near) an IED blast, VBIED, RPG shot, mortar or rocket impact or anything of the like, go get evaluated. To many civilian doctors and organizations have reported the seriousness of Mild TBI and now the VA has responded with new screenings and treatments. I have been officially diagnosed with Mild TBI, however the VA has done nothing to treat this so far. Its been 3 years since the diagnosis and I have not heard what they are going to do about it. I am going in to the VA to discuss this very topic in a few weeks and I will report my results. Read on and let me know your thoughts. If you have been diagnosed with Mild TBI whats your story? What are you doing to treat it?


For Iraq Veterans, Headaches Continue After Traumatic Brain Injury
ScienceDaily (Feb. 24, 2009) — Many soldiers who experienced mild head trauma or a blast exposure while serving in Iraq or Afghanistan are returning to the United States with headaches, according to a study that will be presented at the American Academy of Neurology's 61st Annual Meeting in Seattle, April 25 to May 2, 2009.
The study, conducted at Fort Lewis, WA, involved 978 U.S. Army soldiers returning from Iraq or Afghanistan in 2008. All had experienced a concussion, head injury or blast exposure while deployed.

Nearly 98 percent of the soldiers reported having headaches during the last three months of their deployment. The headaches started within one week of the traumatic brain injury for 37 percent of the soldiers, and within one to four weeks for 20 percent. Among the soldiers whose headaches started within a week of the injury, 60 percent had migraine-like headaches and 40 percent had headaches that interfered with their ability to do their daily activities. Thirty percent had headaches for 15 or more days each month.
"Mild traumatic brain injury is occurring in 15 to 25 percent of soldiers deployed to Iraq or Afghanistan," said study author Brett J. Theeler, MD, of Madigan Army Medical Center in Tacoma, WA, and a member of the American Academy of Neurology. "The associated headaches can be a source of impaired occupational functioning. These findings should alert health care providers, especially those affiliated with the military or veteran health care systems, to the need to identify and properly treat headache among soldiers."
The study was supported by the Uniformed Services University of the Health Sciences through a grant from the Congressionally Directed Medical Research Program.

Her is another more recent story with a bit of personal touch to it. Let me know your thoughts.

Iraq War Veteran Shares Her Ordeal Of Living With Traumatic Brain Injury
Traumatic Brain Injury has been called the signature injury of the Iraq war. Nationwide, studies suggest 300,000 returning veterans experience the symptoms of Traumatic Brain Injury or TBI. In San Diego, the V.A. Medical Center reports about 50 veterans a month present at the TBI clinic for testing.
For those who find themselves changed in ways they cannot explain, a diagnosis of TBI is the beginning of a long road to recovery. Sage Bird is a young woman who is on that road...

And last but not least. If you ever thought that your conditions were not "severe enough" to go in and get evaluated? This outta change your mind.

Soldiers With Brain Injuries at Higher Risk of Epilepsy Decades Later, Study Finds
ScienceDaily (July 20, 2010) — Soldiers who receive traumatic brain injuries during war may be at a higher risk of epilepsy even decades after the brain injury occurred. The new research is published in the July 20, 2010, print issue of Neurology®, the medical journal of the American Academy of Neurology.