Im back.

PTSD and Mild TBI are a real bitch. More to follow.

Mike

My message

Hello and thanks for checking this blog out. I'm trying to get a message out. PTSD and Mild TBI are some tough hurdles that service men and women are dealing with when returning from the war zone. After the welcome home parties and the Hero phase, these people need our help. Be kind and patient as they slowly adjust to a new normal.

Thank you.

I will be getting on a regular posting schedule in a few weeks.

Mike

Whats on your phone?

Short post tonight, as I am busy trying to learn how to get better sleep. To include, exercises, eating better, and getting to bed earlier. I'm not sure its working, but I'm trying anyway. What do you do to get better sleep at night? what are your routines? Pass them along, hell I may even sleep better then.

So, to the real reason I'm writing. I need your help. I want to put together a list of useful apps that people are using on their smart phones. Iphones, Androids, Blackberries. So post your lists of your most "useful" apps to this article. My thinking is this. I think that this would be a great way to help my fellow vets with PTSD / TBI / ADD and the like, with the day to day things that we forget. When to take meds, reminders on appointments, returning emails / messages. I use my phone all the time, but I don't think that I am using it to better help 'me' with my PTSD symptoms. Tell me your thoughts.

That is all, -Mike

Hey! His pillow is loaded!

OK, so I wasn't going to write tonight cause I was tired, but here I am. I tweeted (is that correct?) my experiment of my experiences with the VA. I would like to think that this would be boring and a short post, however, I suspect that this little adventurer is going to be an interesting one. So, I got a call back this afternoon. Cool. oh, but wait. How many of you out there, took a call from the VA, and just when you were feeling like you got through the mundane questions to verify who you are and that you were actually about to get something accomplished, you hear...

" Be fore we go any further, do you feel like you are a threat to yourself or someone else?"

What?

Would I call you if I were going to OFF myself or someone else? Who does that? Does anyone actually call the VA and report that they are about to commit a capital crime and or suicide? How did this get in the routine of asking personal questions about PTSD or the like? Or, maybe because I have PTSD and that it is a "Mental Health" issue, that it goes hand in hand? If I have PTSD, and it is a Mental Health issue, does that  mean I am a threat to myself and or others? Is that assumed?

Alright, alright. Not that big of a deal. I know, but I "feel" like a patient when they do that. I "feel" mentally deficient when asked that. Normal people don't get asked that. They should ask that every time you by a car. More people die in cars than anything else. I can buy a car that weighs 2 tons, and does 200 miles per hour, and I can tell you right now, NO ONE, will ask me if I'm a "threat to myself and or others"! I was in a war zone, nicknamed The Murder Capitol of the World,  for over a year, with hundreds of ways to die, let alone pulling the Godd damned trigger myself, hell if I didn't do it then ... well, I guess I was a threat to others back then. I slept in a room full of 'Threats' and that's what made me feel safe. Nothing like having a 'Whack job' machine gunner sleeping one bunk over when the shit hit the fan out in the city. Slept better knowing he was there. This 'Nut Ball' slept with a loaded 9mm under his pillow.

"Hell no I'm not going to wake him up for duty! You do it, smart ass. I sleep in the same room with him, his pillow is loaded!"
My Lt. was never amused by things like this, nor did he ever wake up my friend.

As far as I know he only ever fired it once in his sleep. I was on a mission, and apparently would have lost a toe had I not been. No worries. Like I said, killing and dieing were in abundance where I was,

"No, Mr. VA rep, I'm not a threat to my self or others today, I would just like an appointment to get normal again, so stop asking that freaking question please."

After that, I think I got through the rest of the call. Looks like Ill be set up for a round of appointments. I know you are all waiting with bated breath to find out how this all turns out. Trust me, so am I.

Now the question is, Does the VA assume that I do not have a real life job and will they set the appointments smack in the middle of the day? every other day for the 4 or 5 appointments that they will want me to go to? Also, will I be asked to join a 'group' and will this appointment setter just sign me up for 'group' therapy? You know, to just 'chat' about my experiences, with other vets, in a safe, warm environment. I feel like I'll be walking into a white sterile Progressive commercial and Flo will bounce out speaking about Glitter and Unicorns!
Sorry, visual.
Ive never been, but I have this picture in my head that it will be like an AA meeting.

"Hi, my name is Mike and I... um, used to kill bad guys, and stuff... and I got shot at allot... and this one time, at ARMY camp, I almost got vaporized my a 120mm Katusha rocket."  WHOAH!!!

Sorry. If you have ever been to one of these groups don't get pissed, I just don't know. If you are in one of these, please, by all means, help me paint this picture.

OK, bets on. How many appointments in the next two weeks? Extra points if you name a them, and will I be assigned a "group"? and for extra credit, does Mike have enough vacation time to use to go to these meetings with out raising suspicion at work?

A post for another time. Come clean with work about your issues with PTSD and being seen by Mental Health at the VA and asking for the time off to go?
Or
Say nothing, and not make it to enough appointments because the VA schedules them all at different times and you don't have enough vacation or sick time because you just started this job because you lost your other job, by having a your job 'eliminated', which happened, coincidentally, exactly 3 weeks prior to you having a flashback, in a stall, in the bathroom, at said work place? (see: "Hey Buddy, you OK in there? Wars Over." post)

Hmmmm. We shall see.



Stay tuned.
Mike

PTSD and the world turns

Police shoot armed suspect.

...Neighbors said the man who was shot was a 23-year-old military veteran who recently served in the Middle East... They said he suffered from post-traumatic stress disorder and was worried about being sent back to the Middle East to fight...

OK, don't judge this to hard because I'm not sure about this one yet myself.

So an alleged man with a gun starts trouble and the police show up. No problem. Happens in every major metropolitan area on the planet. Said man has a gun and the police order him to drop it. He does not comply. The end of the story is the same no matter how you add the numbers. The police will shoot you if you do not put your gun down. Pretty simple concept. To the sane, rational, intelligent mind. However. What if you are under the influence? What if you are mentally ill? What if you are in the middle of a PTSD induced flashback? What if you are all three? Recipe for sorrow. I am not criticizing the police in this matter, I don't have all the facts, I was not there and I will not presume to know the state of mind of each officer at that moment when the trigger was pulled. I see many victims here. I know what its like to be at that moment, that split second when the tiny thought actually materializes in your brain, and you realize that, you are going to die. BANG! Someone just died. Its almost as if PTSD transferred itself from one victim to another.

Dam.
I just realized that the former soldier, just passed his fears, anxiety, sorrow and pain onto the police officer that shot him.

Follow me on this for a bit. PTSD is the common thread here. The soldier has suffered traumatic events in the War zone. Soldier develops PTSD. Soldier returns home. Soldier does not get the help that he needs to transition back into society. (Many returning soldiers refuse VA evaluations for fear of reprimands and stigma of being mentally ill) Soldier does not deal with family life or social settings normally. (I know, bare with me on the normal bit) Soldier keeps gun close because that's what he did for the last year while in combat. (I slept with a loaded .45 for months after returning home. another blog post for later)
Soldier may be under the influence with drugs or alcohol. (Typical self medicating scenarios for PTSD. another future blog post) The police are called and confront the distressed male with a gun. Soldier finds himself under extreme stress, and he resorts to his training as he was taught to do when in combat.
Shots fired.

OK, back up. Another angle.
Police officer on routine patrol at 3:30am. Raining slightly but not cold. The area he is patrolling is in a poorer section of town. Track housing and subsidised apartments. High petty crime. Higher than average for drug and alcohol crimes. Rare violent crime area, but not immune. Call goes out over the radio that an armed man with a handgun is in the street yelling and arguing with someone at a residence. Lights go on and immediately step on the gas with the siren blaring, respond to the scene. Training kicks in. Pull up to a shirtless man in the street waving what appears to be a handgun. It is slightly raining, the flashing lights and car headlights make the shadows jump along the garage's and the windows of the apartments nearby. Another officer is yelling at the suspect. Sirens blaring. The suspect is yelling back. Suspect turns and notices the car and yells. Police officer sees man with gun, pulls own weapon and aims at suspect. Attempts direct verbal confrontation. Demands person drop weapon. Everyone is yelling. Sirens blaring, lights flashing, people peering out apartment windows, people gather on street corner, wife yelling at suspect, suspect yelling back, suspect ignores order. Scan for other threats, scan for Innocent's in line of fire, scan for other officers in line of fire, demand that suspect comply, suspect extremely agitated, waving weapon, yelling, points weapon at officer.

STOP.

OK, so is this the point at which PTSD "jumped" from the soldier to the officer who shot him? Did it then "jump" to the wife / girlfriend that just saw her husband / boyfriend die in the street? 

I don't know. What a tragic evening. Who is the victim? Really ask yourself who the victim is. The soldier who was suffering from PTSD? The officer who now suffers from it? He just took a mans life. I know, I know, the police are trained to do that sort of stuff. They have good health insurance, they will get help. Or will they? PTSD doesn't care if you are a soldier, a car accident victim, or a victim of a surgery gone wrong. PTSD. P .... T .... S .... D .... Think about it. POST TRAUMATIC STRESS DISORDER. It does not say soldier, in there at all.

I feel terrible that this has happened. We will never truly know all that this soldier suffered from. All I know that there is a little girl that will never know her father, a wife / girlfriend that will suffer from PTSD, and an officer.
That shot a man.
Doing his sworn duty.
Who now suffers from the PTSD that may have caused this whole episode to begin with. The war isn't over my friends. PTSD keeps it going even after the battles "Over there" have ended.

More to follow. I just felt compelled to write tonight as this affected me so strongly. I don't have the answers and I'm not trying to offer any here tonight, and I am surely not passing judgements. I guess that's the mark of bad journalism. Glad I'm not a writer.

Your kind words and IED's of life

I have been receiving some very kind words in emails and in other posts from many supporters of this project of mine. Very humbling. Thank you for sharing your "Roadside lives" with me, and describing your "IED's" of life. We can all learn from each other. These wars will eventually end, but the scares will last a lifetime. Like the Marine wife that emailed me recently.
...we almost survived 3 deployments. Almost... but WE didn't make it.
3 deployments? Wow. How does a family even have a remote chance of making it with 3 deployments? The casualties of these conflicts do not just number the wounded and the dead on the battlefield, but the torn and destroyed relationships that result after we got home. I ran from all of my relationships after I returned. I ran so far and fast that I was sure that my guilt, fear and pain couldn't catch up to me. They were just waiting for me when I got there.
PTSD played a role in the failure of this family and with so many other as well. Soldiers, Sailors, Airmen and Marines are not trained to let our wives/husbands and girl/boy friends in to the "Dark Places". No one ever explained to me the PTSD manual. Hell, we hardly ever asked for help when we know things are not right.
It was reported that my Battalion had a 60% divorce rate upon return. How many marriages ended? Boyfriends / girlfriends broke up? How many kids are learning about "custody", "child support", and "Weekends"? I don't have these answers folks. I just don't know.

How many deployments have you survived? How has PTSD affected your family? What are your IED's of life? Thanks for sharing.

Mike

Hey Buddy, you OK in there? Wars Over.

Well there you have it. Wars over. Listened to the speech in the car on the way home. It was raining, traffic was kind of heavy on the free way. I actually started to tear up. sort of... Well who cares. I wont remember the day the war ended, Ill always remember the days I was there. Forever. We are part of this fraternal brother / sisterhood now. War vets. The details don't matter, our stories wont matter, you get the dam hat at the little store on the way out of the VA clinic where you just picked up your meds, It will be black and say OEF / OIF with some gold wings, maybe pin your unit crest to it or a CIB some day, light up a smoke, and fade away. Cause that's what vets do. Fade away. We are not needed anymore. America's embarrassing little secret. Tools, tools for a job and now to be put away in the tool shed.

"Well Mr Mike, I know you have complained about something similar to attention deficit disorder, and the headaches you have are getting worse, and you keep telling me about these dreams and sleepless nights... come now, don't you think its time to stop pretending and dwelling on the war? you see.. its over. You really don't have these things... err issue's... do you. Now, lets try not to drink so much, quit smoking, get a little exercise, and why don't you come see me next year.  Good luck now. There you go, have a nice life."

I once had a flashback in the bathroom of a place where I worked. No shit. Right there in the bathroom stall. I was at my desk, doing what IT geeks do, and I thought I smelled burning garbage, ever, so slightly. You know, the kind that burned in Baghdad all year long. The huge mounds of it that never went out. The crap that hung in the early morning air like, well.. like smog... Sniff sniff. Where is that coming from? I looked around my cube farm. Geeks doing what geeks do and no burning candles or the like. We weren't allowed to have candles anyway. Then... the phone rang, but there wasn't a person on the other end it was a radio transmission.
     Echo one four, Echo one four, do you read over? Static, then nothing. I put the phone down.

What? What the hell? Then could hear it. Like it was right behind the wall from me, The "SMACK", "ZIP", "PING", of rounds impacting a wall. I looked around. My coworkers still sitting there, looking at their computer monitors, listening to ipods and talking on the phone. HMMWV engines, cars passing,  I'm insane, I'm going mad, that's it, something finally snapped and I'm going nuts. "pop", "pop", "pop", AK fire off in the distance, Then the ringing in my ears started, the smell of diesel, hot asphalt, and sweat in my nose, my vision was starting to tunnel, I got up, headed straight for the bathroom. Out into the hall way I passed a few people but either they dint notice or weren't paying attention, The tunnel was closing and the noise in my ears getting louder, I pushed open the bathroom door and slipped into the first stall and sat down... Tried to take a deep breath, I'm scared, this is real, oh shit... no one said it was going to be like this... "WHACK", "WHACK", "WHACK", impacts on the armor of the HMMWV,  Then heard someone yell "RPG" over the roar of a HMMWV engine. Tunnel closed. One loud "CRACK"...

That's it. Silence in a bathroom stall. In the middle of a huge office building. I'm sweating, breathing heavy, my hand hurts, sitting on a freaking toilet. Dam. I think I punched the stall door. Bathroom door opens, footsteps, someone is coming into the bathroom.

"Hey you alright in there?" A pair of shoes, right next to the stall now.

You remember when you were a kid? and once in awhile you wake up from a deep sleep and your just not quite sure where you are? Yeah, for a split second, that was me.

"Hey buddy, you OK?"

"Umm, yeah, Yeah, I'm fine. Sorry." Hit the handle on the toilet. Flush to provide a distraction.

"What are you yelling about?" All I could see where this guys shoes, and part of his slacks pants, from under the stall door. Black leather shoes, and  khaki tan slacks. Middle management I guess. Didn't recognize the voice either. There were hundreds of people in this part of the building and I picked the closest bathroom from my department, unfortunately it was in the main hall way.

"Umm on the phone, sorry." I lied. I was still sweating, and not just perspiration, I was sweating like right before you throw up, kind of sweating. It was late summer, but the airconditioning in the building made the air temp comfortable.

"Phone? You get signal in here. Well take it outside next time." The shoes walked away to the door. I thought I heard some grumbling about "What the heck was that all about? ", "That was weird" or something like "Said he was on the phone" or something like that as the door closed. I don't know how long I was out, even if it was a split second.

I waited in that stall until the coast was clear. Went to the sink and and splashed cold water on my face. Noticed I had sweat stains under my arms showing through my button up. The shirt was white and not to noticeable. I quickly cleaned and adjusted my hair a bit and headed back to my cube hoping not to be noticed.

I slid into my chair, and for the next 3 hours until quiting time, I prayed I didn't see those shoes in my department. I didn't.

I was fired 3 weeks later. "At will" employment state. Didn't get a reason, just a "we don't need you anymore" and the HR rep said "We don't need a reason".

I watched for those freaking shoes for 3 weeks until I was called into HR. I even looked to see if the moron who was firing me was wearing those God dammed shoes!

No worries, I found another job, but Ill never know, who wore those freaking shoes... and what did they hear? I don't remember and I guess that is question I want answered. That episode was for me, no one else, and Ill never know what happened. I kind of feel cheated.

So, what the hell does that have to do with the war ending Mr Mike? Huh? Well... nothing I guess. However, I will go through the rest of my life looking at shoes, metaphorically speaking, and these wars will end and I will still search. You see, the war isn't over, not for us.

Mike

My Twitter Debut!!!

Hello all. Want to say thanks to all of the 393 twitter followers that I picked up in the last 24 hrs. Awesome, just awesome. Just makes me believe that there are Soldiers, Sailors, Airmen and Marines, families, friends and loved ones out there that care, about us and the brothers and sisters still out there. I want the message to be sent loud and clear that YOU ARE NOT ALONE! Lets help each other deal with the IED's of life. Be it PTSD, Mild TBI, TBI, depression, and all the other stuff that we have to deal with when we returned home, and continue to deal with. Welcome to my roadside life, walk with me for awhile and lets see what we can do together.

Thanks,
Mike

Give me an order of PTSD and a side of Mild TBI to go, please.

Definition for Mild TBI (traumatic brain injury) A traumatic brain injury (TBI) can be classified as mild if loss of consciousness and/or confusion and disorientation is shorter than 30 minutes. While MRI and CAT scans are often normal, the individual has cognitive problems such as headache, difficulty thinking, memory problems, attention deficits, mood swings and frustration. These injuries are commonly overlooked. Even though this type of TBI is called "mild", the effect on the family and the injured person can be devastating.


Hello again from My roadside life. No major IED's of life this week other than the normal day to day. Here is an interesting little bit of news I just found while surfing the web. So how many of us have suffered from this? I wonder what the VA's take is on this. Its been my experience that some have been treated, while others have not. I have reported mild to severe headaches since my deployment and the most its got me was to a VA doctor ordering me to "Drink more water and take a few aspirin..." "Its all in your head, get some sleep and your head aches will go away".
I haven't slept a full night in 5 years without the help of a few drinks. Thanks for the advice Jack. Ok, so we know that we all experienced a blast from one type or another, but how do we know if we have this Mild TBI? I'm not a doctor, nor do I claim to be one on TV, however, I would suggest this...
Not sleeping a full night? Haven't for a long time? (This is outside the regular PTSD symptoms you may suffer from) Have short term memory loss? Every now and then you "Catch yourself" being off balance for a split second? (Mine always happens to the right I'm broken what can I say!) Frequent head aches? Mild or Severe? If you have any of these go to the VA and get evaluated. If you were hit (or near) an IED blast, VBIED, RPG shot, mortar or rocket impact or anything of the like, go get evaluated. To many civilian doctors and organizations have reported the seriousness of Mild TBI and now the VA has responded with new screenings and treatments. I have been officially diagnosed with Mild TBI, however the VA has done nothing to treat this so far. Its been 3 years since the diagnosis and I have not heard what they are going to do about it. I am going in to the VA to discuss this very topic in a few weeks and I will report my results. Read on and let me know your thoughts. If you have been diagnosed with Mild TBI whats your story? What are you doing to treat it?


For Iraq Veterans, Headaches Continue After Traumatic Brain Injury
ScienceDaily (Feb. 24, 2009) — Many soldiers who experienced mild head trauma or a blast exposure while serving in Iraq or Afghanistan are returning to the United States with headaches, according to a study that will be presented at the American Academy of Neurology's 61st Annual Meeting in Seattle, April 25 to May 2, 2009.
The study, conducted at Fort Lewis, WA, involved 978 U.S. Army soldiers returning from Iraq or Afghanistan in 2008. All had experienced a concussion, head injury or blast exposure while deployed.

Nearly 98 percent of the soldiers reported having headaches during the last three months of their deployment. The headaches started within one week of the traumatic brain injury for 37 percent of the soldiers, and within one to four weeks for 20 percent. Among the soldiers whose headaches started within a week of the injury, 60 percent had migraine-like headaches and 40 percent had headaches that interfered with their ability to do their daily activities. Thirty percent had headaches for 15 or more days each month.
"Mild traumatic brain injury is occurring in 15 to 25 percent of soldiers deployed to Iraq or Afghanistan," said study author Brett J. Theeler, MD, of Madigan Army Medical Center in Tacoma, WA, and a member of the American Academy of Neurology. "The associated headaches can be a source of impaired occupational functioning. These findings should alert health care providers, especially those affiliated with the military or veteran health care systems, to the need to identify and properly treat headache among soldiers."
The study was supported by the Uniformed Services University of the Health Sciences through a grant from the Congressionally Directed Medical Research Program.

Her is another more recent story with a bit of personal touch to it. Let me know your thoughts.

Iraq War Veteran Shares Her Ordeal Of Living With Traumatic Brain Injury
Traumatic Brain Injury has been called the signature injury of the Iraq war. Nationwide, studies suggest 300,000 returning veterans experience the symptoms of Traumatic Brain Injury or TBI. In San Diego, the V.A. Medical Center reports about 50 veterans a month present at the TBI clinic for testing.
For those who find themselves changed in ways they cannot explain, a diagnosis of TBI is the beginning of a long road to recovery. Sage Bird is a young woman who is on that road...

And last but not least. If you ever thought that your conditions were not "severe enough" to go in and get evaluated? This outta change your mind.

Soldiers With Brain Injuries at Higher Risk of Epilepsy Decades Later, Study Finds
ScienceDaily (July 20, 2010) — Soldiers who receive traumatic brain injuries during war may be at a higher risk of epilepsy even decades after the brain injury occurred. The new research is published in the July 20, 2010, print issue of Neurology®, the medical journal of the American Academy of Neurology.

Its my Monkey and my back, leave me alone!

Post traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD)

Ok people, below is what is commonly referred to as the clinical definitions of PTSD. Agree or disagree, I don't care. I'm not a doctor, but I can tell you that living with most of these symptoms since my return from Baghdad has been a real bitch. Since then I have crawled into a bottle, quit a good paying job, dumped my girlfriend, shunned my friends, shunned my ARMY buds even more, moved half way across the country to run from all of this, realized that running didn't work, lost a job because I had a flashback at work ( well.. no one had the guts to tell it to my face anyway), refused to believe that my experiences were real, wondered why I survived, hated myself for the things I saw and had to do, questioned the morality of it all, hated being called a "Hero" or having someone I didn't know buy me a drink, wondered my I would cry in the darkest hours of the night, wondered why I should care if I cry or not, learned how to not get a full nights sleep, learned that If I drank then I would get a full nights sleep... OK, Ill stop.

My father, who is a Vietnam Vet, has lived with most of these symptoms for the last 40 plus years. In his words:
     "You learn to live with them. This is a part of you now and you can cry about it, or deal with it."
Well there you have it. 40 years of dealing with the VA, PTSD, flashbacks, nightmares and all the other messes that come with it. Lost jobs, drinking, divorce, just to name a few. Don't think that I am putting my Dad down. Hell no. I love my Dad and the help he has given me to help tame my Monkey. Well... maybe not tame, but deal with. Like when we had this conversation. Several beers, hot summer night, my Dad wincing and looking up to the dusk sky commenting on how when he hears Helicopters that it still takes his thoughts back to the Jungles of Vietnam. Go figure, sitting back drinking beers talking about how screwed up we are, a helicopter can be heard off in the distance. Ive tried to ignore and run from my "Monkey" but all I had to do was Love him and accept him, as my father has... However... I shall not!  I refuse to be a slave to this! I will keep fighting to learn to get better. I hope you will join me on this journey. On my Roadside life.
Thanks for reading,
Mike

SYMPTOMS

Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) is a debilitating condition that follows a terrifying event. Often, people with PTSD have persistent frightening thoughts and memories of their ordeal and feel emotionally numb, especially with people they were once close to. PTSD, once referred to as shell shock or battle fatigue, was first brought to public attention by war veterans, but it can result from any number of traumatic incidents. These include kidnapping, serious accidents such as car or train wrecks, natural disasters such as floods or earthquakes, violent attacks such as a mugging, rape, or torture, or being held captive. The event that triggers it may be something that threatened the person's life or the life of someone close to him or her. Or it could be something witnessed, such as mass destruction after a plane crash.
Whatever the source of the problem, some people with PTSD repeatedly relive the trauma in the form of nightmares and disturbing recollections during the day. They may also experience sleep problems, depression, feeling detached or numb, or being easily startled. They may lose interest in things they used to enjoy and have trouble feeling affectionate. They may feel irritable, more aggressive than before, or even violent. Seeing things that remind them of the incident may be very distressing, which could lead them to avoid certain places or situations that bring back those memories. Anniversaries of the event are often very difficult.
PTSD can occur at any age, including childhood. The disorder can be accompanied by depression, substance abuse, or anxiety. Symptoms may be mild or severe--people may become easily irritated or have violent outbursts. In severe cases they may have trouble working or socializing. In general, the symptoms seem to be worse if the event that triggered them was initiated by a person--such as a rape, as opposed to a flood.
Ordinary events can serve as reminders of the trauma and trigger flashbacks or intrusive images. A flashback may make the person lose touch with reality and reenact the event for a period of seconds or hours or, very rarely, days. A person having a flashback, which can come in the form of images, sounds, smells, or feelings, usually believes that the traumatic event is happening all over again.
Not every traumatized person gets full-blown PTSD, or experiences PTSD at all. PTSD is diagnosed only if the symptoms last more than a month. In those who do have PTSD, symptoms usually begin within 3 months of the trauma, and the course of the illness varies. Some people recover within 6 months, others have symptoms that last much longer. In some cases, the condition may be chronic. Occasionally, the illness doesn't show up until years after the traumatic event.

Specific Symptoms of PTSD:

The person has been exposed to a traumatic event in which the person experienced, witnessed, or was confronted with an event or events that involved actual or threatened death or serious injury, or a threat to the physical integrity of self or others and the person's response involved intense fear, helplessness, or horror.

The traumatic event is persistently re experienced in one or more of the following ways:
•Recurrent and intrusive distressing recollections of the event, including images, thoughts, or perceptions.
•Recurrent distressing dreams of the event.
•Acting or feeling as if the traumatic event were recurring (includes a sense of reliving the experience, illusions, hallucinations, and dissociative flashback episodes, including those that occur on awakening or when intoxicated).
•Intense psychological distress at exposure to internal or external cues that symbolize or resemble an aspect of the traumatic event
•Physiological reactivity on exposure to internal or external cues that symbolize or resemble an aspect of the traumatic event

The individual also has persistent avoidance of stimuli associated with the trauma and numbing of general responsiveness (not present before the trauma), as indicated by 3 or more of the following:
•Efforts to avoid thoughts, feelings, or conversations associated with the trauma
•Efforts to avoid activities, places, or people that arouse recollections of the trauma
•Inability to recall an important aspect of the trauma
•Significantly diminished interest or participation in significant activities
•Feeling of detachment or estrangement from others
•Restricted range of affect (e.g., unable to have loving feelings)
•Sense of a foreshortened future (e.g., does not expect to have a career, marriage, children, or a normal life span)

Persistent symptoms of increased arousal (not present before the trauma), as indicated by 2 or more of the following:
•Difficulty falling or staying asleep
•Irritability or outbursts of anger
•Difficulty concentrating
•Hypervigilance
•Exaggerated startle response

The disturbance, which has lasted for at least a month, causes clinically significant distress or impairment in social, occupational, or other important areas of functioning.
References:
American Psychiatric Association. (1994). Diagnostic and statistical manual of mental disorders, fourth edition. Washington, DC: American Psychiatric Association.National Institutes of Health, National Institute of Mental Health, NIH Publication No. 95-3879 (1995)

Today is the first day of the rest of your life.

I find that passage interesting. Its true. I said it many times. I guess I really never thought about it. But, there it is.
My name is Mike, and I will tell you of an adventure I had while in the City of Death, Murder capitol of the world, or as we called it "Paradise City" It has drama, action, heart ache and horror... and that is what happened after I came home. My journey started in 2003 and has not ended. It may never end. I am continually targeted with these "Roadside Bombs" of life as I navigate the day to day. Maybe we all have them, in other forms or definitions, but these are mine. I will tell you of them.

This is my Roadside Life.

Roadside bomb or I.E.D.
An improvised explosive device (IED) is a bomb constructed and deployed in ways other than in conventional military action. They may be partially comprised of conventional military explosives, such as an artillery round, attached to a detonating mechanism. (From Wikipedia)

A truly nasty device that detonates with no warning. It is a terror device in the truest form. Once detonated mass panic, and confusion ensue. CRACK! You are slammed, hit with a full body press of immense weight. You cant see, you cant hear, your arms and legs go numb, you stomach feels like a giant tightened knot. Your head is a soup of dizziness, and swirling. You don't know where you are, you cant hear, you cant breathe, your not even sure if you are alive. Gripped with terror the world comes rushing back like a funnel cloud slamming you back into the now. Gunfire, screams, heat, sweat and blood all greet you when the spots leave your eyes and the ringing stops. The radio blares with traffic. Who? Where? Anyone hurt? Anyone dead? GO! GO! GO!

Then it is over. The cloud of dust and debris blow away with the wind from behind and you continue traveling on the road. No one stops if they don't have to. You check yourself and your buddies for holes and bleeding. Then it is over. You laugh and talk about how lucky you are. Jab a finger in your ear to stop the dull ring. Wipe the blood from your nose on your sleeve. Spit the grit out of your mouth only to realize that the white powdery substance was part of a tooth. Dam another chip.

You get home, to camp, without incident. Pass the port-a-jons, hear someone crying. Don't say a a word. Climb in one yourself... and retch. Puke all of the terror out. Clean up. Because,
"Today is the first day of the rest of you life." and you have a mission in a few hours.