Its my Monkey and my back, leave me alone!

Post traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD)

Ok people, below is what is commonly referred to as the clinical definitions of PTSD. Agree or disagree, I don't care. I'm not a doctor, but I can tell you that living with most of these symptoms since my return from Baghdad has been a real bitch. Since then I have crawled into a bottle, quit a good paying job, dumped my girlfriend, shunned my friends, shunned my ARMY buds even more, moved half way across the country to run from all of this, realized that running didn't work, lost a job because I had a flashback at work ( well.. no one had the guts to tell it to my face anyway), refused to believe that my experiences were real, wondered why I survived, hated myself for the things I saw and had to do, questioned the morality of it all, hated being called a "Hero" or having someone I didn't know buy me a drink, wondered my I would cry in the darkest hours of the night, wondered why I should care if I cry or not, learned how to not get a full nights sleep, learned that If I drank then I would get a full nights sleep... OK, Ill stop.

My father, who is a Vietnam Vet, has lived with most of these symptoms for the last 40 plus years. In his words:
     "You learn to live with them. This is a part of you now and you can cry about it, or deal with it."
Well there you have it. 40 years of dealing with the VA, PTSD, flashbacks, nightmares and all the other messes that come with it. Lost jobs, drinking, divorce, just to name a few. Don't think that I am putting my Dad down. Hell no. I love my Dad and the help he has given me to help tame my Monkey. Well... maybe not tame, but deal with. Like when we had this conversation. Several beers, hot summer night, my Dad wincing and looking up to the dusk sky commenting on how when he hears Helicopters that it still takes his thoughts back to the Jungles of Vietnam. Go figure, sitting back drinking beers talking about how screwed up we are, a helicopter can be heard off in the distance. Ive tried to ignore and run from my "Monkey" but all I had to do was Love him and accept him, as my father has... However... I shall not!  I refuse to be a slave to this! I will keep fighting to learn to get better. I hope you will join me on this journey. On my Roadside life.
Thanks for reading,
Mike

SYMPTOMS

Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) is a debilitating condition that follows a terrifying event. Often, people with PTSD have persistent frightening thoughts and memories of their ordeal and feel emotionally numb, especially with people they were once close to. PTSD, once referred to as shell shock or battle fatigue, was first brought to public attention by war veterans, but it can result from any number of traumatic incidents. These include kidnapping, serious accidents such as car or train wrecks, natural disasters such as floods or earthquakes, violent attacks such as a mugging, rape, or torture, or being held captive. The event that triggers it may be something that threatened the person's life or the life of someone close to him or her. Or it could be something witnessed, such as mass destruction after a plane crash.
Whatever the source of the problem, some people with PTSD repeatedly relive the trauma in the form of nightmares and disturbing recollections during the day. They may also experience sleep problems, depression, feeling detached or numb, or being easily startled. They may lose interest in things they used to enjoy and have trouble feeling affectionate. They may feel irritable, more aggressive than before, or even violent. Seeing things that remind them of the incident may be very distressing, which could lead them to avoid certain places or situations that bring back those memories. Anniversaries of the event are often very difficult.
PTSD can occur at any age, including childhood. The disorder can be accompanied by depression, substance abuse, or anxiety. Symptoms may be mild or severe--people may become easily irritated or have violent outbursts. In severe cases they may have trouble working or socializing. In general, the symptoms seem to be worse if the event that triggered them was initiated by a person--such as a rape, as opposed to a flood.
Ordinary events can serve as reminders of the trauma and trigger flashbacks or intrusive images. A flashback may make the person lose touch with reality and reenact the event for a period of seconds or hours or, very rarely, days. A person having a flashback, which can come in the form of images, sounds, smells, or feelings, usually believes that the traumatic event is happening all over again.
Not every traumatized person gets full-blown PTSD, or experiences PTSD at all. PTSD is diagnosed only if the symptoms last more than a month. In those who do have PTSD, symptoms usually begin within 3 months of the trauma, and the course of the illness varies. Some people recover within 6 months, others have symptoms that last much longer. In some cases, the condition may be chronic. Occasionally, the illness doesn't show up until years after the traumatic event.

Specific Symptoms of PTSD:

The person has been exposed to a traumatic event in which the person experienced, witnessed, or was confronted with an event or events that involved actual or threatened death or serious injury, or a threat to the physical integrity of self or others and the person's response involved intense fear, helplessness, or horror.

The traumatic event is persistently re experienced in one or more of the following ways:
•Recurrent and intrusive distressing recollections of the event, including images, thoughts, or perceptions.
•Recurrent distressing dreams of the event.
•Acting or feeling as if the traumatic event were recurring (includes a sense of reliving the experience, illusions, hallucinations, and dissociative flashback episodes, including those that occur on awakening or when intoxicated).
•Intense psychological distress at exposure to internal or external cues that symbolize or resemble an aspect of the traumatic event
•Physiological reactivity on exposure to internal or external cues that symbolize or resemble an aspect of the traumatic event

The individual also has persistent avoidance of stimuli associated with the trauma and numbing of general responsiveness (not present before the trauma), as indicated by 3 or more of the following:
•Efforts to avoid thoughts, feelings, or conversations associated with the trauma
•Efforts to avoid activities, places, or people that arouse recollections of the trauma
•Inability to recall an important aspect of the trauma
•Significantly diminished interest or participation in significant activities
•Feeling of detachment or estrangement from others
•Restricted range of affect (e.g., unable to have loving feelings)
•Sense of a foreshortened future (e.g., does not expect to have a career, marriage, children, or a normal life span)

Persistent symptoms of increased arousal (not present before the trauma), as indicated by 2 or more of the following:
•Difficulty falling or staying asleep
•Irritability or outbursts of anger
•Difficulty concentrating
•Hypervigilance
•Exaggerated startle response

The disturbance, which has lasted for at least a month, causes clinically significant distress or impairment in social, occupational, or other important areas of functioning.
References:
American Psychiatric Association. (1994). Diagnostic and statistical manual of mental disorders, fourth edition. Washington, DC: American Psychiatric Association.National Institutes of Health, National Institute of Mental Health, NIH Publication No. 95-3879 (1995)

Today is the first day of the rest of your life.

I find that passage interesting. Its true. I said it many times. I guess I really never thought about it. But, there it is.
My name is Mike, and I will tell you of an adventure I had while in the City of Death, Murder capitol of the world, or as we called it "Paradise City" It has drama, action, heart ache and horror... and that is what happened after I came home. My journey started in 2003 and has not ended. It may never end. I am continually targeted with these "Roadside Bombs" of life as I navigate the day to day. Maybe we all have them, in other forms or definitions, but these are mine. I will tell you of them.

This is my Roadside Life.

Roadside bomb or I.E.D.
An improvised explosive device (IED) is a bomb constructed and deployed in ways other than in conventional military action. They may be partially comprised of conventional military explosives, such as an artillery round, attached to a detonating mechanism. (From Wikipedia)

A truly nasty device that detonates with no warning. It is a terror device in the truest form. Once detonated mass panic, and confusion ensue. CRACK! You are slammed, hit with a full body press of immense weight. You cant see, you cant hear, your arms and legs go numb, you stomach feels like a giant tightened knot. Your head is a soup of dizziness, and swirling. You don't know where you are, you cant hear, you cant breathe, your not even sure if you are alive. Gripped with terror the world comes rushing back like a funnel cloud slamming you back into the now. Gunfire, screams, heat, sweat and blood all greet you when the spots leave your eyes and the ringing stops. The radio blares with traffic. Who? Where? Anyone hurt? Anyone dead? GO! GO! GO!

Then it is over. The cloud of dust and debris blow away with the wind from behind and you continue traveling on the road. No one stops if they don't have to. You check yourself and your buddies for holes and bleeding. Then it is over. You laugh and talk about how lucky you are. Jab a finger in your ear to stop the dull ring. Wipe the blood from your nose on your sleeve. Spit the grit out of your mouth only to realize that the white powdery substance was part of a tooth. Dam another chip.

You get home, to camp, without incident. Pass the port-a-jons, hear someone crying. Don't say a a word. Climb in one yourself... and retch. Puke all of the terror out. Clean up. Because,
"Today is the first day of the rest of you life." and you have a mission in a few hours.