OK, so I wasn't going to write tonight cause I was tired, but here I am. I tweeted (is that correct?) my experiment of my experiences with the VA. I would like to think that this would be boring and a short post, however, I suspect that this little adventurer is going to be an interesting one. So, I got a call back this afternoon. Cool. oh, but wait. How many of you out there, took a call from the VA, and just when you were feeling like you got through the mundane questions to verify who you are and that you were actually about to get something accomplished, you hear...
" Be fore we go any further, do you feel like you are a threat to yourself or someone else?"
What?
Would I call you if I were going to OFF myself or someone else? Who does that? Does anyone actually call the VA and report that they are about to commit a capital crime and or suicide? How did this get in the routine of asking personal questions about PTSD or the like? Or, maybe because I have PTSD and that it is a "Mental Health" issue, that it goes hand in hand? If I have PTSD, and it is a Mental Health issue, does that mean I am a threat to myself and or others? Is that assumed?
Alright, alright. Not that big of a deal. I know, but I "feel" like a patient when they do that. I "feel" mentally deficient when asked that. Normal people don't get asked that. They should ask that every time you by a car. More people die in cars than anything else. I can buy a car that weighs 2 tons, and does 200 miles per hour, and I can tell you right now, NO ONE, will ask me if I'm a "threat to myself and or others"! I was in a war zone, nicknamed The Murder Capitol of the World, for over a year, with hundreds of ways to die, let alone pulling the Godd damned trigger myself, hell if I didn't do it then ... well, I guess I was a threat to others back then. I slept in a room full of 'Threats' and that's what made me feel safe. Nothing like having a 'Whack job' machine gunner sleeping one bunk over when the shit hit the fan out in the city. Slept better knowing he was there. This 'Nut Ball' slept with a loaded 9mm under his pillow.
"Hell no I'm not going to wake him up for duty! You do it, smart ass. I sleep in the same room with him, his pillow is loaded!"
My Lt. was never amused by things like this, nor did he ever wake up my friend.
As far as I know he only ever fired it once in his sleep. I was on a mission, and apparently would have lost a toe had I not been. No worries. Like I said, killing and dieing were in abundance where I was,
"No, Mr. VA rep, I'm not a threat to my self or others today, I would just like an appointment to get normal again, so stop asking that freaking question please."
After that, I think I got through the rest of the call. Looks like Ill be set up for a round of appointments. I know you are all waiting with bated breath to find out how this all turns out. Trust me, so am I.
Now the question is, Does the VA assume that I do not have a real life job and will they set the appointments smack in the middle of the day? every other day for the 4 or 5 appointments that they will want me to go to? Also, will I be asked to join a 'group' and will this appointment setter just sign me up for 'group' therapy? You know, to just 'chat' about my experiences, with other vets, in a safe, warm environment. I feel like I'll be walking into a white sterile Progressive commercial and Flo will bounce out speaking about Glitter and Unicorns!
Sorry, visual.
Ive never been, but I have this picture in my head that it will be like an AA meeting.
"Hi, my name is Mike and I... um, used to kill bad guys, and stuff... and I got shot at allot... and this one time, at ARMY camp, I almost got vaporized my a 120mm Katusha rocket." WHOAH!!!
Sorry. If you have ever been to one of these groups don't get pissed, I just don't know. If you are in one of these, please, by all means, help me paint this picture.
OK, bets on. How many appointments in the next two weeks? Extra points if you name a them, and will I be assigned a "group"? and for extra credit, does Mike have enough vacation time to use to go to these meetings with out raising suspicion at work?
A post for another time. Come clean with work about your issues with PTSD and being seen by Mental Health at the VA and asking for the time off to go?
Or
Say nothing, and not make it to enough appointments because the VA schedules them all at different times and you don't have enough vacation or sick time because you just started this job because you lost your other job, by having a your job 'eliminated', which happened, coincidentally, exactly 3 weeks prior to you having a flashback, in a stall, in the bathroom, at said work place? (see: "Hey Buddy, you OK in there? Wars Over." post)
Hmmmm. We shall see.
Stay tuned.
Mike
Tuesday, September 14, 2010
Wednesday, September 8, 2010
PTSD and the world turns
Police shoot armed suspect.
...Neighbors said the man who was shot was a 23-year-old military veteran who recently served in the Middle East... They said he suffered from post-traumatic stress disorder and was worried about being sent back to the Middle East to fight...
OK, don't judge this to hard because I'm not sure about this one yet myself.
So an alleged man with a gun starts trouble and the police show up. No problem. Happens in every major metropolitan area on the planet. Said man has a gun and the police order him to drop it. He does not comply. The end of the story is the same no matter how you add the numbers. The police will shoot you if you do not put your gun down. Pretty simple concept. To the sane, rational, intelligent mind. However. What if you are under the influence? What if you are mentally ill? What if you are in the middle of a PTSD induced flashback? What if you are all three? Recipe for sorrow. I am not criticizing the police in this matter, I don't have all the facts, I was not there and I will not presume to know the state of mind of each officer at that moment when the trigger was pulled. I see many victims here. I know what its like to be at that moment, that split second when the tiny thought actually materializes in your brain, and you realize that, you are going to die. BANG! Someone just died. Its almost as if PTSD transferred itself from one victim to another.
Dam.
I just realized that the former soldier, just passed his fears, anxiety, sorrow and pain onto the police officer that shot him.
Follow me on this for a bit. PTSD is the common thread here. The soldier has suffered traumatic events in the War zone. Soldier develops PTSD. Soldier returns home. Soldier does not get the help that he needs to transition back into society. (Many returning soldiers refuse VA evaluations for fear of reprimands and stigma of being mentally ill) Soldier does not deal with family life or social settings normally. (I know, bare with me on the normal bit) Soldier keeps gun close because that's what he did for the last year while in combat. (I slept with a loaded .45 for months after returning home. another blog post for later)
Soldier may be under the influence with drugs or alcohol. (Typical self medicating scenarios for PTSD. another future blog post) The police are called and confront the distressed male with a gun. Soldier finds himself under extreme stress, and he resorts to his training as he was taught to do when in combat.
Shots fired.
OK, back up. Another angle.
Police officer on routine patrol at 3:30am. Raining slightly but not cold. The area he is patrolling is in a poorer section of town. Track housing and subsidised apartments. High petty crime. Higher than average for drug and alcohol crimes. Rare violent crime area, but not immune. Call goes out over the radio that an armed man with a handgun is in the street yelling and arguing with someone at a residence. Lights go on and immediately step on the gas with the siren blaring, respond to the scene. Training kicks in. Pull up to a shirtless man in the street waving what appears to be a handgun. It is slightly raining, the flashing lights and car headlights make the shadows jump along the garage's and the windows of the apartments nearby. Another officer is yelling at the suspect. Sirens blaring. The suspect is yelling back. Suspect turns and notices the car and yells. Police officer sees man with gun, pulls own weapon and aims at suspect. Attempts direct verbal confrontation. Demands person drop weapon. Everyone is yelling. Sirens blaring, lights flashing, people peering out apartment windows, people gather on street corner, wife yelling at suspect, suspect yelling back, suspect ignores order. Scan for other threats, scan for Innocent's in line of fire, scan for other officers in line of fire, demand that suspect comply, suspect extremely agitated, waving weapon, yelling, points weapon at officer.
STOP.
OK, so is this the point at which PTSD "jumped" from the soldier to the officer who shot him? Did it then "jump" to the wife / girlfriend that just saw her husband / boyfriend die in the street?
I don't know. What a tragic evening. Who is the victim? Really ask yourself who the victim is. The soldier who was suffering from PTSD? The officer who now suffers from it? He just took a mans life. I know, I know, the police are trained to do that sort of stuff. They have good health insurance, they will get help. Or will they? PTSD doesn't care if you are a soldier, a car accident victim, or a victim of a surgery gone wrong. PTSD. P .... T .... S .... D .... Think about it. POST TRAUMATIC STRESS DISORDER. It does not say soldier, in there at all.
I feel terrible that this has happened. We will never truly know all that this soldier suffered from. All I know that there is a little girl that will never know her father, a wife / girlfriend that will suffer from PTSD, and an officer.
That shot a man.
Doing his sworn duty.
Who now suffers from the PTSD that may have caused this whole episode to begin with. The war isn't over my friends. PTSD keeps it going even after the battles "Over there" have ended.
More to follow. I just felt compelled to write tonight as this affected me so strongly. I don't have the answers and I'm not trying to offer any here tonight, and I am surely not passing judgements. I guess that's the mark of bad journalism. Glad I'm not a writer.
...Neighbors said the man who was shot was a 23-year-old military veteran who recently served in the Middle East... They said he suffered from post-traumatic stress disorder and was worried about being sent back to the Middle East to fight...
OK, don't judge this to hard because I'm not sure about this one yet myself.
So an alleged man with a gun starts trouble and the police show up. No problem. Happens in every major metropolitan area on the planet. Said man has a gun and the police order him to drop it. He does not comply. The end of the story is the same no matter how you add the numbers. The police will shoot you if you do not put your gun down. Pretty simple concept. To the sane, rational, intelligent mind. However. What if you are under the influence? What if you are mentally ill? What if you are in the middle of a PTSD induced flashback? What if you are all three? Recipe for sorrow. I am not criticizing the police in this matter, I don't have all the facts, I was not there and I will not presume to know the state of mind of each officer at that moment when the trigger was pulled. I see many victims here. I know what its like to be at that moment, that split second when the tiny thought actually materializes in your brain, and you realize that, you are going to die. BANG! Someone just died. Its almost as if PTSD transferred itself from one victim to another.
Dam.
I just realized that the former soldier, just passed his fears, anxiety, sorrow and pain onto the police officer that shot him.
Follow me on this for a bit. PTSD is the common thread here. The soldier has suffered traumatic events in the War zone. Soldier develops PTSD. Soldier returns home. Soldier does not get the help that he needs to transition back into society. (Many returning soldiers refuse VA evaluations for fear of reprimands and stigma of being mentally ill) Soldier does not deal with family life or social settings normally. (I know, bare with me on the normal bit) Soldier keeps gun close because that's what he did for the last year while in combat. (I slept with a loaded .45 for months after returning home. another blog post for later)
Soldier may be under the influence with drugs or alcohol. (Typical self medicating scenarios for PTSD. another future blog post) The police are called and confront the distressed male with a gun. Soldier finds himself under extreme stress, and he resorts to his training as he was taught to do when in combat.
Shots fired.
OK, back up. Another angle.
Police officer on routine patrol at 3:30am. Raining slightly but not cold. The area he is patrolling is in a poorer section of town. Track housing and subsidised apartments. High petty crime. Higher than average for drug and alcohol crimes. Rare violent crime area, but not immune. Call goes out over the radio that an armed man with a handgun is in the street yelling and arguing with someone at a residence. Lights go on and immediately step on the gas with the siren blaring, respond to the scene. Training kicks in. Pull up to a shirtless man in the street waving what appears to be a handgun. It is slightly raining, the flashing lights and car headlights make the shadows jump along the garage's and the windows of the apartments nearby. Another officer is yelling at the suspect. Sirens blaring. The suspect is yelling back. Suspect turns and notices the car and yells. Police officer sees man with gun, pulls own weapon and aims at suspect. Attempts direct verbal confrontation. Demands person drop weapon. Everyone is yelling. Sirens blaring, lights flashing, people peering out apartment windows, people gather on street corner, wife yelling at suspect, suspect yelling back, suspect ignores order. Scan for other threats, scan for Innocent's in line of fire, scan for other officers in line of fire, demand that suspect comply, suspect extremely agitated, waving weapon, yelling, points weapon at officer.
STOP.
OK, so is this the point at which PTSD "jumped" from the soldier to the officer who shot him? Did it then "jump" to the wife / girlfriend that just saw her husband / boyfriend die in the street?
I don't know. What a tragic evening. Who is the victim? Really ask yourself who the victim is. The soldier who was suffering from PTSD? The officer who now suffers from it? He just took a mans life. I know, I know, the police are trained to do that sort of stuff. They have good health insurance, they will get help. Or will they? PTSD doesn't care if you are a soldier, a car accident victim, or a victim of a surgery gone wrong. PTSD. P .... T .... S .... D .... Think about it. POST TRAUMATIC STRESS DISORDER. It does not say soldier, in there at all.
I feel terrible that this has happened. We will never truly know all that this soldier suffered from. All I know that there is a little girl that will never know her father, a wife / girlfriend that will suffer from PTSD, and an officer.
That shot a man.
Doing his sworn duty.
Who now suffers from the PTSD that may have caused this whole episode to begin with. The war isn't over my friends. PTSD keeps it going even after the battles "Over there" have ended.
More to follow. I just felt compelled to write tonight as this affected me so strongly. I don't have the answers and I'm not trying to offer any here tonight, and I am surely not passing judgements. I guess that's the mark of bad journalism. Glad I'm not a writer.
Tuesday, September 7, 2010
Your kind words and IED's of life
I have been receiving some very kind words in emails and in other posts from many supporters of this project of mine. Very humbling. Thank you for sharing your "Roadside lives" with me, and describing your "IED's" of life. We can all learn from each other. These wars will eventually end, but the scares will last a lifetime. Like the Marine wife that emailed me recently.
...we almost survived 3 deployments. Almost... but WE didn't make it.
3 deployments? Wow. How does a family even have a remote chance of making it with 3 deployments? The casualties of these conflicts do not just number the wounded and the dead on the battlefield, but the torn and destroyed relationships that result after we got home. I ran from all of my relationships after I returned. I ran so far and fast that I was sure that my guilt, fear and pain couldn't catch up to me. They were just waiting for me when I got there.
PTSD played a role in the failure of this family and with so many other as well. Soldiers, Sailors, Airmen and Marines are not trained to let our wives/husbands and girl/boy friends in to the "Dark Places". No one ever explained to me the PTSD manual. Hell, we hardly ever asked for help when we know things are not right.
It was reported that my Battalion had a 60% divorce rate upon return. How many marriages ended? Boyfriends / girlfriends broke up? How many kids are learning about "custody", "child support", and "Weekends"? I don't have these answers folks. I just don't know.
How many deployments have you survived? How has PTSD affected your family? What are your IED's of life? Thanks for sharing.
Mike
...we almost survived 3 deployments. Almost... but WE didn't make it.
3 deployments? Wow. How does a family even have a remote chance of making it with 3 deployments? The casualties of these conflicts do not just number the wounded and the dead on the battlefield, but the torn and destroyed relationships that result after we got home. I ran from all of my relationships after I returned. I ran so far and fast that I was sure that my guilt, fear and pain couldn't catch up to me. They were just waiting for me when I got there.
PTSD played a role in the failure of this family and with so many other as well. Soldiers, Sailors, Airmen and Marines are not trained to let our wives/husbands and girl/boy friends in to the "Dark Places". No one ever explained to me the PTSD manual. Hell, we hardly ever asked for help when we know things are not right.
It was reported that my Battalion had a 60% divorce rate upon return. How many marriages ended? Boyfriends / girlfriends broke up? How many kids are learning about "custody", "child support", and "Weekends"? I don't have these answers folks. I just don't know.
How many deployments have you survived? How has PTSD affected your family? What are your IED's of life? Thanks for sharing.
Mike
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